Wilt & Rise

So I forgot to come to work over spring break and water my mom’s flower…

As I sit here looking at it… It feels much like my grief.

I wilt, feel dry and wither towards the floor as I find myself sad and overwhelmed.

Then I am filled – with something – kindness from a friend, a hug from a sibling, a sense of care from our lost loved one – like water to a flower.

And then I rise.

And then I forget to water myself and I wilt.

And then I rise again.

Last week I was wilting.

This week I am rising.

Here’s to the process, not the result. Here’s to watering ourselves with love and kindness so that we may honor the wilting and find strength to rise.

IMG_5535

Advertisements

Grief is.

Grief is smiling when you remember a loving memory.

Grief is looking at your sleeping children and being filled with fear and love.

Grief is bawling on the bathroom floor because the feeling in your chest is just too heavy.

Grief is grateful and angry.

Grief is just sitting because your thoughts are weighing you down.

Grief is the sad tickle that keeps you from falling asleep at night.

Grief is waking up your partner but not being able to explain why you’re sad.

Grief is placing reminders of their life around the house so you can see them everyday.

Grief is taking a different road just to drive by a special place.

Grief is laughter as you recount a funny memory.

Grief is ugly crying in your car on the way to work and then going back home to put on mascara.

Grief is wanting to be happy and at the same time wanting to wallow in sadness.

Grief is texting your siblings in the middle of the night because you know they know how you feel.

Grief is sitting in the garage before coming inside because oftentimes, taking a moment is all you can do.

Grief is a lens through which I see everything.

Grief is constant.

Grief is happy-sad.

Grief is.

 

Sitting in Permanence

This week I have feltĀ a deep, sad anger – an “it is not fair” state of mind. I’ve been lingering in the permanence of loss.

My mom will never be able to hear about my work week again.

I will never go to her house again.

She will never see another school music program again.

Never again

Permanence is where grief can cause us the most hurt. Where we perseverate on the idea of never having again – of the loss that happened and the reminders of the loss that continue to haunt us.

And this week, that is just where I am.

I saw her old neighbor and it made me sad.

I drove by her house and it made me angry.

I saw James second grade music concert, that she will never see.

That is where I am this week and I think that is ok. I won’t get stuck here. I will eventually move back into the space of gratefulness and breathing.

But it is also ok to sit in your feeling and experience it for a moment. My mom has been in my dreams, in my thoughts, in that tight space in my chest where I try not to cry. The universe is telling me to listen to this. Spend time with it and feel the sad anger. The “it’s not fair”. The never again.

Because that is grief. And wherever you are is ok.

Sad Night

“Mom?” whispers the little voice in bed next to me who is trying to fall asleep. “I miss Grandma Debby,” he says as he begins to cry in my arms.

I hug him ever so tight as we both cry. I attempt to ease the pain by telling him how much she loved him. I reminisce about how fun she was – a simply wonderful grandma. He cried and nodded. I asked if he wanted to hug while we fell asleep. He nodded again. He dried his eyes with a tissue and snuggled in close. It only took two songs into his bedtime music and he was asleep.

But the hard moment comes now when I am left thinking about my mom. It’s a painful happiness to think about how wonderful she was. On one side it is so joyous to remember her and feel her humor and love. On the other side it brings back a flood of memories. Of hospital rooms. Of late night texts. Of the loss.

I don’t think I’ll ever be able to feel the happiness without also feeling the pain.

And I think about my little guy. Does he think about her often? Does he worry about me? How does his little mind comprehend all the events that have come to pass? How does his heart feel when he’s sad like this?

And now he’s getting sweaty against my chest and arms. I rearrange and set him next to me. I grab his little hand and just hold it and look at him. I wonder how many times my mom did that to me.

She really was wonderful. It may always be painful to remember my mom, but worth it every time.

Engage in the Moment

I think about my blog throughout the week, looking for moments of meaning, humor, grief, love, and connection. I had found my moment to write about and sat down at 5:30 on a Friday. It was calm and quiet. I was ready to unpack my thoughts and dig deep.

“MA-AAAWWW-MMM!”

[enter James]

“I’m bored! Will you play basketball with me? Puh-leeeez?”

[pull heartstrings with big 8-year-old sweet puppy dog eyes]

“Hey mom”

[enter Miles]

“Can we make dinner together?”

[pull more heartstrings with the fact that my teenager wants to hang out with me]

“You bet guys. Give me some time to work on this and I’ll come get you.”

“Ok.”

[Miles goes back downstairs]

“But I’m bored!!”

“Why don’t you get started and I’ll be down in just a sec.”

[James goes back downstairs]

I stare at the screen I was going to fill with moments and connection.

What the hell am I doing?! Isn’t the whole point to appreciate what you have in the moment? I closed the screen and went downstairs to make moments with my boys.

[commence losing basketball and eating delicious food]

Hours later, I sat down to write. The moment I was originally going to write about will still be there for a future post, but this one took the spotlight. This moment with my boys is what life is all about.

There will be a day when my body will say goodbye to this world… And when that day comes, the most important things my boys remember about me won’t be my writing or my thought process.

They will remember me playing with them.

They will remember me cooking with them.

They will remember me loving them and connecting with them, over and over again.

So, take a moment to look around the room…

Go ahead, I’ll wait…

Breathe in the moment. See the moment you are in. Appreciate what you have exactly as it is. Find one person to connect with – with whom you can give and receive love.

Now go engage in the moment.

Cultivate Love (AKA Valentine’s Day)

I gave my son a job for the day – to be as kind to as many people as he could. We talked about different things he could do:

  • Tell a friend how much he enjoys being their friend.
  • Hold the door for someone.
  • Help the teacher with something.
  • Thank the lunch helpers.
  • Tell a girl at his table several nice things today (this led into a conversation about how annoying she is and how she threw peas at him yesterday… which led into a conversation about how much she must need love)

Love.

An unconditional caring for another person.

An ability to be vulnerable to another person, to open your heart and your spirit to them without fear of judgement.

“We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.” -Brene Brown

How did my mom cultivate love?

  • She always hand delivered valentine’s to my family.
  • She showed kindness and compassion to kids she worked with who needed it most.
  • She called friends and ask how they were doing.
  • She shared rides, food, or shelter.
  • She hugged with all her being.

“Love is not something we give or get, it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can only be cultivated between two people when it exists within each of them – We can only love others as much as we love ourselves.” – Brene Brown

Loving ourselves as much as we love others was not something my mom was very good at. She struggled with depression, low self-esteem, and a life that was not how she envisioned it would be. It is also something I struggle with. Isn’t this true for most of us? Why is it so difficult for us to treat ourselves the way we treat others?

So how can I cultivate love for myself?

  • Breathe and be gentle with my expectations.
  • Remind myself that it is ok for my courage to be slow and soft.
  • Drink coffee alone or with company.
  • Sit in quiet appreciation of what I have in the moment and what I have been given in my life – insane pets, wonderful boys, loving partner, crazy amazing siblings, and kind-beyond-measure parents.

My chest feels heavy with sad-happiness today as I reflect on these things and how much they mean to me. I miss my mom dearly. And I am painfully grateful for the love I have and have been given in my life.

Not only today, but every day… How can we cultivate love for others and ourselves?

Best Friends

I work with families that have children birth to three years old, and we talk a lot about attachment and the importance of that first relationship with our parents. They are our teachers. Our guides. Our attachment figures. They feed us and care for us day after day, long night after long night. They pass down to us their values and beliefs. Their relationship with us creates our inner speech about who we are and how we relate to the world around us.

Kind of important, eh?

And as we grow, so does our relationship with our parents.

*cue adolescence and teenage years*

We push them away. We rebel. We question everything. We make life pretty damn difficult for awhile. (Says the one who made lots of trouble… I just wasn’t always caught.)

And then we become adults, and parents ourselves. We navigate the boundaries of having our own families yet being a part of our childhood family. We muddle through raising our own children and figuring out what we want to pass down and what we want to change for the better. And we build our own identity as a person.

It was in this stage that I really became best friends with my mom. She was always so conscientious (sometimes too much) of being a new grandparent and not wanting to overstep the boundaries into being a parent. She was so kind to always include my family in everything and always wanting to be included in our things (sometimes too much). And she was so silly and would engage so naturally in play with my children and still me (sometimes too much).

mom

In these moments it sometimes felt like too much. Looking back now, I just wish I could have more.

Then I pause with my thoughts. And breathe into my heart space.

I do have more.

I have her strong work ethic. I have her frizzy hair. I have her musical rhythm. I have her passion for working with children. I have her silliness for sure. And I have her caring heart.

Its not the same, but I am grateful. Thanks mom. For everything, really. You are my best friend.