Sitting in Permanence

This week I have felt a deep, sad anger – an “it is not fair” state of mind. I’ve been lingering in the permanence of loss.

My mom will never be able to hear about my work week again.

I will never go to her house again.

She will never see another school music program again.

Never again

Permanence is where grief can cause us the most hurt. Where we perseverate on the idea of never having again – of the loss that happened and the reminders of the loss that continue to haunt us.

And this week, that is just where I am.

I saw her old neighbor and it made me sad.

I drove by her house and it made me angry.

I saw James second grade music concert, that she will never see.

That is where I am this week and I think that is ok. I won’t get stuck here. I will eventually move back into the space of gratefulness and breathing.

But it is also ok to sit in your feeling and experience it for a moment. My mom has been in my dreams, in my thoughts, in that tight space in my chest where I try not to cry. The universe is telling me to listen to this. Spend time with it and feel the sad anger. The “it’s not fair”. The never again.

Because that is grief. And wherever you are is ok.

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