Lately I have been emotionally full. Feeling tired at 5pm. Wanting to cry at any moment. Not sure what is triggering me or what my response will be, but feeling an internal pull towards sadness. I have not given myself the appropriate time to be still. Silent. To pause and be present. To Breathe.
And I have only been able to sit and think about my mom in the peripheral of my life, which feels both healing and heartbreaking. I have been longing to tell her stories about my life, my work, my friends, and of course my family. I have wanted her here while we cook dinner, asking me questions and wholeheartedly investing in my life story. I have wanted her silliness around. Her random singing and goofy noises. Her hugs and back pats. Her.
(Photo of my mom talking to a bird… Pretty common place if you know my mom…)
Part of me wonders if I go to grief because I feel sad or if I feel sad because I am grieving. How does one tease these apart? And to some degree, won’t my grief always be intertwined into every part of my life from here on out? My heart keeps bringing me back to my grief, so how do I remain present in the grief without giving into the sadness? How do I grieve happily – or at the minimum with compassion and grace for myself?
And anger is also present lately. Cold Antibody Hemolytic Anemia and eventually a massive stroke. Why and how? At the end of the day, my mind still can’t make sense of the whole situation. It was simply not fair. She should be here now, randomly stopping by to see what we are up to. I would invite her in for lunch. We would chat. She’d want to play with the boys, talk to Casey about music, and wrestle with our dog. She loved people. She loved us. She loves us.
I still feel the love. I think that is one of the hardest parts about grief. It is because of the joy of love that grief stings so bad.
And as I embrace the feeling of it simply not being fair, I am also trying to move towards healing by embracing the memories of love and warmth and joy that she so often provided to me and so many others. Wholeheartedly investing in our lives. It takes a special person to do that. Really truly invest in others. And man, I miss that.
I suppose my grief will always be with me as I will never fully mend, but I can keep sharing my story. Perhaps my experience resonates with you. If so, please know that in this universe there is another person feeling emotionally full with you.